at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
