I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
