i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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