happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize