i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
