She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
