If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize