My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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