Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
