I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
