Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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