I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
bring money and cleavage
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
