Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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