if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
