i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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