I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
