mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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