The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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