Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
