I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
