Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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