Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
