I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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