Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
