glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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