i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think brook has ever known best
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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