How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
