Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.