i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother