Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
