My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize