did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
