Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
