What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I did not marry a roomba.
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