Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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