She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
