At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
