i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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