i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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