Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
