Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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