That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
