I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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