does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
