I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
FUCK WHALES
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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