Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
