Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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