After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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