there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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