probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
