Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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