i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
