why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
