my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
