just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
