you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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