Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
