it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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