I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
